This is My Song by Yvonne Vaz - A book review

Name any corner of the world and you will have a Goan presence there, either past or present. How many of us know that neighbouring Burma had a sizable population of Goans? As a matter of fact, how many of my fellow ganv bhoins and bhaus know that there are many families in Don Vaddo today who are returnees from Burma? Yvonne Vaz and her cousins share this history. It is a rich history; a story of suffering and of human tragedy. But it needs to be told. And, it needs quiet, patient, sympathetic listeners.  

It is hard to believe that one person could have been through so much in one lifetime. Yvonne tells us “to be where you are” and yet she has, in her lifetime, been to so many places, both figuratively and metaphorically. Yes, Yvonne is where she is but she’s always in the right place. She’s always in the right moment. She is in the right light, as we watch her life’s story unfold through her many veils of darkness. Her story begins with her life as a child in Burma, then her return to her grandfather’s house in Saligao, Goa and then her life abroad.

Yvonne’s story begins with a vivid description of how her family was viciously attacked (in her father’s absence) by a temporary handyman and others in the dead of night. What pluck! As a 9 year-old, badly beaten, Yvonne, still half conscious, called the doctor at the Hospital a “bloody fool” because all she wanted to do was get out of the hospital bed and walk away. She had lost an arm.

Did sympathy for the assailant come as a 9 year-old or did it come later? That it came at all is a miracle. I was deeply touched by Yvonne’s understanding of the assailants’ needs. Truly, you have to be a saint. It would have been so much easier if you could say that you did not know who they were. If you did not know that the handyman was an addict and in serious debt and that his creditors had accompanied him that night. It would have been easier if you had now recognised him. But the fact is, you did. Did that make it better or worse? 

There is no doubt in my mind that Yvonne is an old soul, a strong spirit. How else would you explain the 9 year-old getting the other injured kids to come out of their hospital beds and play in the hospital compound? With one arm missing; the other one fractured; a brother with fingers badly mutilated and another child who could barely run, young Yvonne had turned the hospital compound into a playground, an arena of hope.

School follows and Yvonne describes an S.O. Walk with clarity and wry humour. The S.O. Walk sounded familiar. This stood for a Show Off Walk where the girls were expected to walk in pairs, in their pinafore uniforms and shoes and socks, “like prisoners, no noise or laughter. After all, we were very decent girls!” Yes, even I grew up with this rather Victorian unwritten rule of “no noise, no laughter. In addition to this, there was also, “no sitting with your legs crossed, no chewing your food or smacking your lips and, no slurping or elbows on the table”. Yvonne’s description of her school days in Burma match mine, in distant Baroda in Gujarat. How I remember those bloomers! For those who do not know, we were meant to wear these thick, large ballooning underpants with elastic bands holding them down with a frill at the ends. We hated them. Obviously, Victoria’s Secret (even if she was made up by a dude) was a long way away. Bloomers! Ha!

While this was familiar, there are so many things in the book that will be news to a lot of us. Did you know, for example, that at one point of time in its history, until educational institutions were nationalised, Burma was known as the “best educated nation in the Far East”? This was, of course, before 1962 when U Nu was overthrown by a coup d'etat led by the military commander Ne Win. 

Yvonne shares with us, in the most candid and endearing manner, how self-conscious she was about the missing arm, as a teenager. It is ever so often that we get caught up in the roller coaster ride of teenage, youth, young adulthood (fuelled by arrogance and hormones) that we forget the things that really matter. Yvonne is no different. And yet, she tells us, “ I need to remember the little girl I was before the big accident. And more importantly, I need to hold space for my ancestors”. 

How Yvonne’s Goan ancestors landed up in Burma (then a British Protectorate) in the first place makes for interesting (and important) reading. Stories of Goans landing jobs in East Africa, also British Protectorates, are familiar stories to some of us. Anyone who is documenting the Goan diaspora will be familiar with the terms “sincerity, loyalty, honesty, good natured, well-mannered, well-dressed”. 

But there is a limit to how much a family can be subjected to before they decide to return. Yvonne tells us how her Uncle Joe was (posted at the PWD in Kengtung) shot at and killed. HerUncle Sonny was ambushed on the outskirts of Kengtung. Yvonne’s family suffered a dacoity. And yet, she tells us, “My grandparents lived through all this, but never wanted to repatriate to India as they regarded Burma as their home. They had built up stable lives and were comfortable in the local surroundings. ROMALINA, recently published by Yvonne’s cousin Clarice Vaz, is a similar story. Only Clarice’s story is set in Uganda, East Africa. 

What is also a familiar story is that young Goan men working abroad would often come back to Goa and take back a Goan bride. Some of these young brides had never stepped outside their own villages! Life could not have been easy for them. There were strange customs, stranger languages, a frugal life with no affordable help at hand. And yet, “when all 26 cousins met there was so much noise and laughter that Uncle Sonny would offer 25 paise if they would keep quiet for 5 minutes”. Needless to say, no one ever earned the 25 paise!

The book is also filled with very interesting and endearing quotes at the beginning of every chapter. “You’ll have much more respect for a bird after you build your nest.” starts off the chapter on MY OWN NEST. Well, Yvonne’s nest begins with a mixed marriage. It can’t have been easy marrying a Muslim in 1972 in Burma! When her little girl was born, she described the moment as “I never knew I could love so deeply and profoundly as my soul greeted her. ‘Oh, there you are! I’ve been waiting for you,’”.

Then when her girls left home and what is often described as the “empty nest syndrome” was expected to take over, Yvonne decided to fill it with herself at the centre. We often hear the term “finding yourself” but Yvonne says “you are already within you”. Thank you, Yvonne for this and other gemstones of wisdom from Burma, Goa and all the places you are in. For where you are, it is home, when you are comfortable in your own skin.